My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
