when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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