Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
