I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone shattered a urinal.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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