508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
