if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
