I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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