girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
