I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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