So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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