NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
