"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
