His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
