Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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