He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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