Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
