i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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