just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
