right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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