Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I could make wine with my vomit
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
