and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
