My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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