dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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