After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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