he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
