I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
