I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
