Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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