You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
