My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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