i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
