Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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