I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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