Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize