what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
