I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
