Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
third nipple confirmed
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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