During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
