I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
