I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
your like the ambassador to my penis.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
