i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
