i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
