well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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