wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
