Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
