can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
