nut hugger
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
