My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
