fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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