Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
