i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
