oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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