That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
