Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
