my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
