Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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