My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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