Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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