So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
