they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
