Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
