DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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