and she was petting her beer can
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
as a side note pls kill me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
