Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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