he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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