nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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