I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How does one acquire holy water?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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