dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize