they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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