i permit you to call me
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
