I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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