I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
