I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
