Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
